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Certified Lyrics

Artist: MC Lars Horris
Album: Radio Pet Fencing

I spot an active drowning victim form a mile away,
I save old men in seas like Hemmingway.
The swimming pool not taken?
Watch out for Frost,
donâ‚¬â„¢t get busted like Milton,
or paradise will be lost.
Itâ‚¬â„¢s like that, and thatâ‚¬â„¢s the way it is.
Donâ‚¬â„¢t Run-DMC, walk like the other kids.
And if you get in trouble, I use a contact dive,
I extent my rescue tube to keep you alive.
If youâ‚¬â„¢re submerged, Iâ‚¬â„¢ll dive feet first,
and bring you to a backboard, never to a hearse.
Because DOA victims are for amateurs,
I do it my safe way, you do it yours,
like Raleyâ‚¬â„¢s or Luckyâ‚¬â„¢s or Albertsons.
Did the victim hurt his neck? Iâ‚¬â„¢m going in.
I support your chin, airway and spine,
with my head-splint technique everything is fine.
My EAP is CPR after those rescue breaths,
then Iâ‚¬â„¢ll check your airway for respiratory arrest.
Then itâ‚¬â„¢s sweep, ventilation, and abdominal thrusts,
I get the pool toy out I can, will, and must.
Prepared for emergencies Iâ‚¬â„¢ve got my life together,
and understand my job keeps you alive like Eddie Vedder.
If youâ‚¬â„¢re a stressed-out mom
who keeps her children fettered,
your kids are safe today, see, no lifeguard is better.
Ten times as reliable mature and fitter
than your average lifeguard as a water babysitter,
Betsy Weeks trained me well at Roble Gym,
and Iâ‚¬â„¢m slamming into swim safety, not a Slim Jim.

CHORUS
Lifeguarding at the pool, lake, or the sea,
I keep both eyes on your progeny.
The Red Cross has got my back like 1-2-3,
because Iâ‚¬â„¢m C-E-R-T-F-I-E-D.

And when I act itâ‚¬â„¢s with informed consent,
if you wonâ‚¬â„¢t cooperate, I circumvent
and call the cops, best recognize
itâ‚¬â„¢s not wise to distract me as I scrutinize
the pool, itâ‚¬â„¢s called scanning, best take a hint
and shut your mouth, you donâ‚¬â„¢t matter like lint.
Larry Flint might argue that your
voice means nothing, but I be like Bush
and say for safety it means nothing.
Iâ‚¬â„¢m disciplined and talented at what I do,
and hope to say the same for my lifeguard crew,
because unlike the Insane Clown Posse,
we practice our skills repeatedly
and donâ‚¬â„¢t cash in on tentative integrity
or fire dope producers for more money.
Wait, what, where was I?
I guess I got side-tracked
dissing Detroit high school drop-outs
with new albums that are whack.
Back on track, hereâ‚¬â„¢s the point:
Iâ‚¬â„¢m safe like â‚¬Å“what!â‚¬?
Making sure the chemical room doorâ‚¬â„¢s always shut.
See that gardenerâ‚¬â„¢s dirty trowel?
Well, I donâ‚¬â„¢t. Iâ‚¬â„¢m too busy making
sure your kids stay afloat.
And see that dude who kind of looks like Shrek,
but imported like badly dubbed French Star Trek?
Nope, I double check
the bubble trek from your kidâ‚¬â„¢s lungs.
The shovel speck or
smuggled Shrek distract no one
like me, I donâ‚¬â„¢t notice, no, just your kids.
But did I see that kid run? Oh yes I did!
Peripherally, so Iâ‚¬â„¢m a lay the smack down
and turn their smiles into one collective frown.
â‚¬Å“Hey kids, stop running! You know the rule!â‚¬?
Yes Iâ‚¬â„¢m a tool from lifeguard school
but safety is cool here at the pool,
and trust me on the sunscreen, donâ‚¬â„¢t be a fool.

REPEAT CHORUS

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